


Fourth Rule: Spies Don’t Have Relationships

by bilgegungoren00



Series: Rules of Being A Spy [4]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Spies & Secret Agents, Amnesia, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Temporary Amnesia, i PROMISE it'll be a happy ending, it'll just take a bit of time, post marriage, spy AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-23
Updated: 2017-07-30
Packaged: 2018-12-06 02:03:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 17,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11590683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bilgegungoren00/pseuds/bilgegungoren00
Summary: It’s a miracle that she’s alive. Apparently that had been what the doctors said when they found her. A miracle. If…If this was what they called a miracle, Kara fighting for her life for weeks… He didn’t want anything to do with it.Or, in which a mission that has gone sideways puts Kara into a coma, from which she wakes up without remembering Mon-El.





	1. Awakening

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, y'all, I was so not planning to post this today, and never mind POSTING it, I wasn't even supposed to WRITE it. I was just watching Chuck (that TV series that inspired this whole spy AU and still keeps crushing my heart in every way possible) and something that happened in one of the seasons inspired this. I'm sure, once the story progresses, the ones who know Chuck will be able to see what I'm talking about ;)
> 
> Anyway, on a side note, I'd really recommend you read the first three parts of this series before you read this one, because there's a lot of things that I mentioned in the previous stories that I'll just gloss over in this one, and having some context might help you understand this better. 
> 
> And on another side note, this takes place after Kara and Mon-El have gotten married for some time now, so they have a stable, established, happy relationship............
> 
> Or do they? 
> 
> Okay, okay, I'm gonna stop now before I spoil anything. I hope you like this :)

Kara Danvers was the most beautiful woman Mon-El had met in his life. He still remembered the first day he’d seen her in that…that café that she worked in. She had her hair tied into a ponytail with golden curls jumping on her back, she had a cute little apron on her with a small name tag, and her smile…the one she offered him when he asked for a caramel latte, wondering how anyone’s eyes could look this blue even behind a pair of glasses… It was bright enough to enlighten the whole café, even though it had been some time since the sun set, so much so that he wasn’t sure if she was real, or just a hallucination that came from studying for hours.

Well…it turned out that she was a little bit of both. Yes, she was real, this incredibly beautiful and adorable girl did exist…but she was also a spy whose mission was to get close to him, so he knew that some of the things she’d done that day that absolutely took away his breath were her trying to get his attention. And, well…he had to confess that she did a damn good job about that.

But Kara didn’t only look good when she was trying to impress him. He remembered there were days, in their fake relationship and the real one, where she strolled into kitchen with PJs, messy hair, and no make up. He remembered the days he found her crying with tears and mascara running down her cheeks. He remembered that one day, after a mission in which she had to attend some gala, she’d taken a shower with her full make up on, and all the colors on her face got so messy that he’d laughed for minutes on end, no matter how much she glared at him. It was… It was a sight to see. And even in all of those instances she looked beautiful.

Even _now_ she looked beautiful, lying on a hospital bed with her skin as white as paper and her hair so dull that it looked more beige than golden, with a bandage covering the top right side of his face, with her right arm in a cast, with tubes and cables protruding from her body, checking her vitals. She looked absolutely beautiful, Mon-El thought as he sat by her side, watching her face, watching her chest moving and indicating she was breathing, watching for a sign that said she was waking up…yet even though it’d been weeks since the…the _accident_ she’d been in, there was still nothing.

At least she didn’t need an oxygen machine for breathing anymore, and she could do it by herself.

He almost wanted to laugh at that. _She can breathe for herself,_ he couldn’t help thinking, _so what?_ It didn’t change the fact that one of her missions went sideways and caused… _this_. Three broken ribs, a broken arm, blunt force trauma to the head, a whole lot of internal _and_ external bleeding…and a bullet wound in the stomach. As far as Alex explained to him, she was chasing her target on her motorcycle when…when the said target started shooting at her from his car. And one of those bullets… It hit her in the stomach, and with the shock of it she lost control of her motorcycle. She was going so fast that she flew off of it, crashing into a parked car a couple of feet away, head first, breaking the glass and falling into it.

_It’s a miracle that she’s alive._ Apparently that had been what the doctors said when they found her. A _miracle._ If…If this was what they called a miracle, Kara fighting for her life for _weeks…_ He didn’t want anything to do with it. He didn’t want a miracle like this. He just…

He wanted her back. He wanted his wife, his partner in life, his love back. He wanted her to wake up and laugh at him, he wanted her to scold him for ever worrying about her, he wanted her to complain about the fact that she wouldn’t be able to go on missions for a while. An almost smile pulled his lips when he remembered how Kara had been like when she sprained her ankle and had to be retained from field work. She’d whined about it every single day she had to stay at home, insisting that she was _fine,_ when she couldn’t even stand up and walk properly. He’d been… He’d selfishly been happy about it, happy to have her just for himself for a couple of days, without any missions tearing her away. Of course he never told that to Kara, knowing she’d probably rip off his head if she knew, yet he appreciated every single second of those moments.

He had her with him now too, right by his side, but this time…this time he’d give _anything_ for this to never have happened. He’d even gladly agree for her to go on an undercover mission that would take months, as long as she was awake, alive, and healthy. He’d bear through it. It’d hurt, but he’d bear through it, knowing that she was okay. Because watching her sleep for days on end, without even knowing if she would wake up or not… That was more painful than any mission that could tear them apart. _Death_ was more painful than any separation.

…he couldn’t lose her.

He felt tears fill his eyes as he lifted her hand, the one he’d been holding onto for what felt like hours now, and pressed a kiss on her knuckles, and then the rings that were adorning her fingers. The engagement ring, shining with its small diamond, and the golden wedding band, side by side. She couldn’t have them with her on the mission, as she was supposed to flirt her way into arresting someone, yet he’d slipped them onto her finger the moment he got the chance.

Well, the moment the doctors took off the bandages from her fingers and the cuts, caused by broken glass pieces, healed enough. Still the scars were visible and enough to make Mon-El feel like someone was gutting him. It was—all of this was—a reminder that he almost lost her, that there was a chance that he could _still_ lose her, and…

He couldn’t lose her. Of course he’d known… He’d known what he was getting himself into when he married her, he knew that spy life was dangerous and she could get hurt anywhere, any time. But he…he realized now that he’d never really thought it would happen, not to her anyway. It was like what people did when they saw the news about people getting attacked, raped, robbed, or even murdered: thinking none of that wouldn’t happen to them. He never thought… He never thought that Kara would get hurt in a mission, because stuff like that didn’t happen to her, right? Because he loved her, so she would be safe.

He only now realized how wrong he’d been. In the worst way possible.

The first of the tears slipped down his cheeks and dropped on Kara’s hand. He bit down on his lips, trying to stop them, but…but it didn’t work. Just like it didn’t work the day before, or the day before that. He couldn’t keep away his tears, not when he was faced with the possibility of losing Kara _every single day_. Losing everything that he had, everything that they built together. Their love, their happiness, their joys, their…their life. They’d been together for…for what felt like forever that he didn’t know how to live without her, he’d _forgotten_ how to live without her.

And he would’ve _said_ all of that to her, out loud, if not for the knot in his throat…and the fact that he was just too damn tired of talking to her, hoping she might hear him and wake up…and getting disappointed. Because he did talk to her in those first few weeks, a _lot._ He talked to her hours on end every single day, told her everything he could think of, pleaded for her to wake up, to come back to him, to not leave him. Yet day by day those hours turned into minutes, and then into barely a couple of words, until he couldn’t even say anything. He just sat by her side, praying silently to god, universe, life, whatever was out there for her to live, to just… _live_. He could handle anything as long as she woke up and was alive. He could bear through _anything_ as long as she was back.

He pressed another kiss on her knuckles before he rested his forehead against their hands, silent tears streaming down his face as he muttered another prayer, not even knowing if there was someone listening to it. He never really believed in a god or religion, but he was so desperate that he was beyond caring at this point. He’d do anything— _anything—_ to get Kara back. _Anything._

He was so lost in those thoughts that it took him one second too late to notice the spike in the heart monitor. Yet some subconscious part of him must’ve heard it because he looked up, a part of him expecting to hear the usual, rhythmic beeps coming from the machine…yet he found himself face to face with erratic beeps as Kara’s heart rate sped up…

_Kara’s heart rate was speeding up._

Mon-El could feel his eyes widen as his heart stuttering in his chest, and his eyes immediately turned to Kara’s face. This was… This was the first ever change in her situation in _weeks,_ which meant…which _had to_ mean that…that she was waking up, right? She _had to be_ waking up.

He stood up from the stool he was sitting on so harshly that it fell onto the floor, yet he didn’t even care. With a shaky hand he reached for Kara’s face, swiping away a strand of her hair, relief washing over him when he saw her eyelids flicker. He could barely notice the nurses and doctors swarming the room as he squeezed Kara’s hand so, so tightly, trying to tell her that he was there, he was with her, she wasn’t alone. She’d never be alone.

“Hey, baby,” he whispered, seeing a doctor checking her vitals from the corner of his eyes. “I’m here. It’s okay. I’m here. You can… You can wake up.” _You can wake up._ Kara was waking up. She was… She was waking up. She was alive. _She was alive,_ she hadn’t died, and she was…waking up. Maybe it was a miracle, maybe it was something else, he didn’t even care. As long as she was alive.

He was momentarily pushed aside when one doctor reached for Kara’s chest, yet he still kept looking at her face, at her flickering eyelids, blinking away the tears filling his eyes to be able to see her properly. A smile tugged the corner of his lips as the realization finally hit him.

_Kara was back._

He didn’t lose time going back to her side the moment the doctors stepped back, giving him a nod, indicating that…that this was really happening. That Kara really was…

He pushed all of those thoughts away when he saw Kara blink once, and then twice, her eyes looking at the ceiling. Mon-El found himself leaning forward involuntarily, wanting to catch a glimpse of the blue of her eyes. He’d missed her eyes so much, shining so, so bright even in the darkest days, making him smile despite everything. He’d missed seeing them open instead of close, he’d missed seeing her awake and alive. So much so that he couldn’t stop the tears from streaming down his face, though nothing like the tears that filled his eyes a couple of minutes ago. These were… These were happy tears now. Happiness that came from having something that he thought he’d lost back, happiness of having the love of his life back, of having _Kara_ back. After having to face the fact that he might lose her…it felt so good. It just… It felt too good that he didn’t even have the words to describe it.

He reached up again, cupping her cheek, brushing the strands of her hair away from her face as her gaze finally started to focus. A smile pulled his lips, a tearful but happy one, when her eyes found him, so deep and blue and bright. Just as he remembered, as if…as if nothing that ever happened to her could dull their color. He blinked away his tears when they blurred his vision again, wanting to savor this moment, wanting to see her, all of her, awake, alive, _well._ “Hey,” he whispered again, his voice hoarse because of his thundering heart and the knot lodged in his throat, yet he still tried to talk over them. “You’re… You’re back.” That was all he could say as he watched confusion filling Kara’s eyes, as he stroke his hair, appreciating the emotions in her eyes and face, indicating that she was truly awake, that she was truly here. He had no idea how much he missed seeing something— _anything—_ on her face other than blankness. He—

His thoughts were cut when Kara moved her cheek away, a frown pulling her brows. Mon-El didn’t even have time to be surprised by that, didn’t even have time to register the unfamiliarity in Kara’s eyes, as if she didn’t recognize him, when she opened her mouth.

And he also wasn’t ready for the next words that left her mouth. He didn’t have any time to prepare for them before they hit him in the chest, almost rendering him breathless.

“Do I know you?”


	2. Amnesia

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I am obsessed with this AU and I can't stop writing it lol.......so here's another chapter for y'all! Two chapters in two days, I'm counting that a win, even though I'm drowning in all the fanfics I'm trying to write right now lmao. But anyway. Let me just appreciate this moment :) 
> 
> Hope y'all like this :) 
> 
> P.s. Just a warning, but this chapter got a bit angsty around the middle, sooooooo just wanted to let you know. Though I assume that isn't much of a surprise with me anymore lol :)

Mon-El was shaking all over as he stood outside the hospital room, desperately trying to blink his tears away and focus on Kara, who was lying on the hospital bed with Alex by her side. The door was close so he couldn’t really hear what they were talking about…but from the way Kara was frowning and the distraught look on Alex’s face… He could guess that it wasn’t anything pleasant.

And just because of the obvious discomfort in the room… He was pretty sure that _he_ was the topic of conversation.

 _Do I know you?_ Kara’s words echoed in his mind for what felt like the hundredth time, no matter how much he tried to stop them. Not only those words but the way she shuffled away from his touch, the way she pulled her hand back and put it around her waist as if she wanted to protect herself, the way…the way her eyes shone with wariness and suspicion, as if the person she was looking at wasn’t her husband but merely a stranger, or a… _threat_. He was pretty sure that she’d have jumped on her feet and hit him if it wasn’t for her injuries.

She didn’t recognize him. She didn’t _remember_ him. At all. Because the Kara he knew… She’d never look at him like she didn’t know him, she’d never push him away when he tried to hold her hand, and she’d definitely _never_ laugh at him when he said that he was her husband. But that was exactly what she’d done. _My…My husband?_ she’d said incredulously, pulling her hand away, trying to shuffle away from him on the bed. _You’ve got to be kidding me._ And that was when the laugh came.

Not even the rings on her finger were enough to convince her. She’d just shrugged them off as if they were nothing, claiming they must’ve been from one of her undercover missions, because…because the idea of her being married to _anyone_ was apparently so ridiculous. _I’m… I’m a CIA special agent…Mon-El. That’s…your name, right?_ Mon-El could barely nod at that before she took a deep breath and continued, her voice cold and devoid of emotion, not a sign of the kindness, cheeriness, and…and love he always used to hear. Especially as she shook her head. _Okay, Mon-El. As I was saying, I’m a CIA special agent. I don’t… I don’t_ do _relationships._ She’d said those words so _confidently,_ as if even the _idea_ of _falling in love_ with someone just way too ridiculous for her, that it reminded him of the aftermath of their fake relationship. Of the first time he saw her after it fell apart, of the mission they’d had trying to catch agent Eve Tessmacher, of how she was so reluctant to jump into a relationship with him even though he could _see_ in her eyes that she wanted it. She’d said the exact words then too: That spies didn’t have relationships. But there was one difference between the two instances. When she said it then, she almost sounded regretful, as if she _wanted_ a relationship with him but thought she just _couldn’t_ have it.

Now…now she sounded like she didn’t even _want_ a relationship. Like she’d made her choice between having relationships and being a spy a long time ago, and she didn’t regret it. She was _embracing_ it. Granted, that was probably who she was before she met him, before he changed her mind about relationships and she realized she didn’t have to choose between them and spy life, and she could have it all. But now…

She not only didn’t _remember_ realizing that, but she didn’t remember ever _wanting_ a relationship with him. She didn’t remember falling for him, loving him, being with him, marrying him… She didn’t remember _him._

It hurt more than he ever thought it could. Especially when she pushed him away, not even listening to his words when he tried to explain, and asked him to get out of the room. Claimed that he was lying without considering the possibility of his words. He might’ve pressed her more, especially in the frantic state he was in upon seeing the love of his life slip away from his fingers, if not for Alex who barged into the room right at that second. He might’ve pressed…but he didn’t.

Maybe he should’ve. Maybe if he did, she’d remember. Not… Not all of it, he wasn’t optimistic or stupid enough to ask for that, but…something. _Anything._ But all he could do was leave the room, feeling his heart crack in his chest, and not even the sympathetic pat on the shoulder Alex offered him could help him.

He slipped away from his thoughts as he focused back on Kara, seeing that she had a phone in her hand—her phone. His heart squeezed in his chest as he watched her looking at it with a frown on her face and her lips parted, as if…as if she couldn’t believe whatever she was seeing. He wondered what Alex was showing her. Photos? Videos? Text messages? Not that it really mattered. The disbelief in her eyes told him enough. She didn’t believe it…or she didn’t _want_ to believe it. Yet still, his heart stuttered with hope when she lifted her hand. He didn’t even realize he was holding his breath as he watched her look at her rings, her blue eyes shining with an unreadable expression. It took her a couple of seconds to look up and turn to Alex, and Mon-El could see that she asked for something from the way her sister nodded and stood up, leaving the room with squared shoulders and tense posture.

He couldn’t say anything, even as Alex closed the door behind her and looked at him. He was pretty sure that the tears he was so desperately trying to push back was filling his eyes all over again. Especially when she shook her head, pain shining in her eyes. And even before she voiced the words Mon-El knew what she was talking about.

“She doesn’t remember.” He felt his shoulders slump at that as a wave of pain hit him, and no matter how tightly he shut his eyes, no matter how much he tried to keep it together, he felt a tear slide down his cheek. He didn’t even bother wiping it away as he crossed his arms over his chest, as if holding onto something, even if it was just himself, would keep him from falling apart.

It didn’t.

“Nothing?” he couldn’t help asking, his voice cracking as he opened his eyes. Even with his blurry vision he didn’t miss the way Alex winced as she moved towards him, her lips pressed together, and shook her head.

“The doctors think that her head trauma might’ve caused amnesia. They aren’t sure if it’s temporary or permanent, but… She doesn’t remember the last twelve years,” she explained, which, by his calculation, meant she’d forgotten everything about him, even as far back as their fake relationship. Because… Because they’d met eleven years ago, and now… All of that was gone. _All of it_. Something cracked in Mon-El’s chest at that, so much so that he felt breathless for a moment, even as Alex put her hand on his shoulder. “I’m so sorry, Mon-El.”

He truly didn’t think “sorry” cut it at this case. He bit the inside of his cheek, desperately trying—and failing—to stop his tears, before he shook his head. He was pretty sure that his nails were digging into his arms as he gripped them tightly, but he didn’t even care. He couldn’t care.

“She was my wife,” he couldn’t help saying, without even knowing why. “She was… She loved me. She _loved_ me, she married me, she _chose_ to be with me, and now…it’s all gone. She doesn’t… She doesn’t _remember_.” He couldn’t help scoffing. “She doesn’t even _believe_ it.” Alex cringed as her grip tightened on his shoulder briefly before she shook her head, leaning forward to look at his face.

“You have to understand, Mon-El,” she said softly, “that as special agents, it is drilled in our minds that we can’t have relationships, we can’t love anyone, and that it will compromise our work. Not that… Not that there’s a written rule like that, but I can count the number of special agents that have _ever_ married someone on my two hands, with fingers to spare. Even if we do want relationships, which I knew that Kara always wanted no matter what she says, we are taught that we shouldn’t. That’s why she couldn’t believe you when you said you two were married.” She took a deep breath, as if weighing her words, before she continued. “But she believes you now.”

There was no way to stop the hope sparkling in Mon-El’s chest as he looked up at that, his eyes almost wide. “She does?” he croaked out, feeling his heart skip a beat, and an almost painful smile appeared on Alex’s face. She nodded slowly.

“Yeah. I showed her her phone and…and she saw the photos, videos, text messages… And she believes you. She believes that you two were married.” With those words the flicker of hope in Mon-El blossomed, turning into a huge bubble, especially as he turned to the hospital room and looked at Kara, who was now propped up into a sitting position and was looking at her hand, a look of confusion in her eyes. His heart stuttered all over again as he watched her thumb sweep over the rings.

If she believed him…could she have also remembered something— _anything?_ Their relationship? Their marriage? Or just…just the fact that she loved him too, like he loved her—with everything that she had? Could she have—

“She wants to talk to you.” He was taken out of his thoughts with Alex’s words. He turned to her, air getting hitched in his throats momentarily. It took him some time to find his voice.

“A-About what?” Alex shrugged, glancing at her sister for a few seconds, before shaking her head.

“I don’t know, she didn’t tell me. But this means something, right? At least… At least she’s not completely shutting you out.” She rubbed Mon-El’s shoulder, flashing him a small smile, and even though a part of him absolutely dreaded the idea of having a conversation with Kara, he wanted those words to be so true that he believed them. He could only nod when he couldn’t find his voice.

“And besides,” Alex continued a couple of seconds later, “Kara really did love you, Mon-El. I know her, and I know how she feels about CIA and being a special agent. So trust me when I say this, she’d never risk being with you and _especially_ marrying you if she didn’t love you wholeheartedly. And that kind of love doesn’t just die.” She stopped there, hesitation flickering in her eyes as if she wanted to say more but wasn’t sure if she should. At the end it seemed like she opted to keep silent and just flashed him another smile, patting him on his shoulder again. “I’ll go get some water,” she said before walking away, and even though she didn’t say it out loud Mon-El knew what she was doing: Giving him and Kara some privacy to talk.

It still took him quite a bit of time to gather up enough courage to enter Kara’s room. At first his hand instinctively wrapped around the handle, ready to push it open without knocking as he always did when Kara was in question, but he stopped himself. Because this wasn’t his Kara, this wasn’t the woman that spent years with him, this wasn’t the woman that loved him. Yes, according to Alex she might’ve remembered something, and at the end this whole amnesia thing could’ve proven to be temporary, but now… He didn’t want to push her now. So he softly knocked and only pushed open the door when he heard her voice.

“Come in.”

He could feel his heart thundering in his chest as he stepped inside, his eyes finding Kara’s blue ones immediately, hoping to see an expression similar to what he was used to, filled with warmth and care and love—

His stomach dropped when he saw only wariness and unfamiliarity in her eyes, tinted with a sliver of pain. His steps halted right in the middle of the room, and he could barely hear the door close shut behind him because of the ringing in his ears. Because nothing about Kara suggested that she remembered anything about him. In fact, it seemed like he was still no more than a stranger to her.

Maybe this amnesia wasn’t temporary at all. Maybe—

He shut that train of thought before it got too far. It had been barely a couple of hours since Kara woke up; he couldn’t very well expect her to start remembering now. He knew that, even if amnesia was temporary, it took time for the patients to remember everything they forgot. He just had to wait. He just had to give her some time to sort everything out, because…because even beyond their relationship, she’d lost twelve years of her life, and that would be a hard blow to anyone. Even to someone as strong as her.

“Hey Kara,” he found himself whispering when the silence in the room stretched enough to become uncomfortable. He had to clear his throat to get rid of the knot in his throat before he continued, taking a step forward towards the bed. “You… Alex said that you wanted to talk to me.”

Kara nodded as she pressed her lips together and straightened up her shoulders. “Yes, I did.” Her voice was almost devoid of emotions, and from experience Mon-El knew that it wasn’t a good thing. He tried to keep his mind from going down the pessimistic road as he waited for Kara to continue. “I needed to ask something from you.”

“Anything,” he answered without hesitation, hoping the shakiness in his voice wasn’t audible. But he wasn’t lying when he said _anything_ , because…because he truly would do anything for Kara.

It seemed like she could see that too, because she pressed her lips together, as if trying to keep herself from grimacing. Mon-El’s fists were clenched and he’d started to hold his breath by the time she opened her mouth again.

“You love me,” she stated matter-of-factly, searching his face. He had to gulp to get rid of the knot in his throat, but it didn’t work. “I believe that,” she continued. “I can see it in your eyes, and that kind of love… I know it can’t be faked or happen in a short amount of time.” She stopped, trying to gather together her thoughts, and it was a struggle for Mon-El to push his tears away as he watched her. Because he knew… A part of him knew what she was going to say, and…it wasn’t pleasant. It wasn’t even _close_ to being pleasant. “Alex showed me some of the photos and videos and stuff, and I… I believe you now. I believe that you were telling the truth when you said we’ve been together for a long time, we’ve been married, and…and in love, but…” She stopped again, and Mon-El could almost feel himself break apart even before she said the next words, especially since he could read them in her eyes. Because he knew, despite everything she said about believing him and knowing he loved her… She didn’t feel it back. She might’ve believed him, but that didn’t mean she remembered what she felt for him.

“I don’t feel it, Mon-El,” she continued, her voice cracking mid-sentence. Mon-El could feel the tears building up in his throat as he could do nothing but listen to her. He couldn’t even find his voice or the right words, let alone _speak._ “I’m sorry, but I don’t remember or feel any of that. All I remember, all I _know_ is being a special agent, and as a special agent I never wanted a relationship. I can see that something must’ve happened in the…in the twelve years I’ve lost that changed my mind, but I don’t remember it. And without remembering, I can’t… I can’t _want_ a relationship. I can’t think of myself in a relationship.” The first of the tears slipped down Mon-El’s cheek at those words, no matter how much he tried to keep it back. He knew where this was going. He knew what she would ask from him, and he… He wasn’t ready for it. He wasn’t ready to leave her, to let her go, to live his life without her. Even if it ended up being temporary… He wasn’t ready.

But it seemed like he had to prepare himself soon enough.

“And right now…after what happened… I need some familiarity in my life. I need something I can hold onto while I…while I figure out where I go from here, after forgetting twelve years of my life. And I can’t do that if I’m in a relationship, if there’s this…this husband in my life that not only I don’t remember, but I don’t… _want.”_ Mon-El couldn’t help flinching at those words. _A husband I don’t want…_ That was who he was, wasn’t he? He couldn’t help remembering what Kara always told him at those words. She used to say that their relationship… It was something she never thought she’d want, but also now that she had it, she couldn’t think her life without it. But without…without any of her memories… She’d reverted back to the version of herself that never wanted a relationship. And now…

“So I…” she continued, taking Mon-El out of his thoughts. “I need you to let me go. To give me some time to figure myself out, to figure out what I want and…don’t want.” She dropped her gaze on her lap then, on the rings adorning her finger, and Mon-El wondered whether she could hear his heart shattering in his chest when she took them off. She didn’t even struggle with the decision…which felt even worse than the action itself. She looked up at him and reached forward to grab his hand. Mon-El couldn’t do anything as she opened his palm and put the rings in it. He couldn’t even feel glad that at least there was sympathy in her face when she looked up. “Alex said that you were a good person,” she whispered softly, “and that you really loved me. So I hope… I hope that you can respect my decision…Mon-El.”

Mon-El didn’t know whether it was the weight of the rings in his hand or the fact that it was the first time Kara said his name ever since he entered the room, but he finally managed to snap out of his thoughts and look at her. And her words hit him only then, when he realized what she was saying and what that meant for him.

She was asking for him to let her go. For him to _lose_ her.

…he couldn’t lose her.

“Kara…” he found himself whispering, a desperate plea in his voice, yet before he could get far Kara interjected. It seemed like she’d read his thoughts from his face—she always said he was like an open book about his feelings.

“Mon-El, please,” she begged, her blue eyes filled with pain. “I know… I know this might be hard for you to lose me, but…but you have to understand that it’s hard for me too. You think… You think it’s easy to lose more than ten years of your life? You think it’s easy to wake up to a husband you don’t even remember? The last thing I remember is being in the middle of an…an undercover mission, and then I wake up, only to learn…twelve years have passed. _Twelve_ years. You can’t just… You can’t just expect me to go back to a life I don’t remember having. I—“

“But you love me,” Mon-El interjected, not being able to help himself. There was no way he could stop the shakiness in his voice. He sat down on the stool next to her and reached forward, grabbing her hand with his empty one. He wondered briefly if she could feel his fingers trembling. “Kara, you…you love me,” he repeated, trying to keep himself together, trying to stop his heart from completely shattering into pieces.

It didn’t work, especially when he saw that there was nothing but pain and a hint of annoyance in Kara’s eyes. “Mon-El…” she tried to cut in, but he didn’t let her. He couldn’t let her, he couldn’t…he couldn’t let her just cut him out of her life. He couldn’t lose her. She was his wife, she was…she was his everything. She couldn’t just expect him to…to give up on her, right? He couldn’t… He couldn’t give up on her.

“You were _happy_ with me,” he continued as another tear slipped down his cheeks, and then another, and by the time he found his voice again they were flowing freely from his eyes. “We were… We were married, and we were happy. _You_ were so…happy.” His voice trailed off at the end as emotions overwhelmed him, especially as he saw Kara grimace.

“Mon-El—“ she tried to say again, pulling her hand back, but he didn’t let her go. He _couldn’t_ let her go. Not now. Not…ever _._ He loved her. He loved her so much that it felt overwhelming sometimes, but that…that didn’t change the fact that she was the best thing that happened to him. He couldn’t lose her. _He couldn’t lose her._

“I can make you happy again,” he interjected before she could say anything else, tightening his grip on her hand. His voice was still trembling because of his tears but he didn’t even care. He laced his fingers through Kara’s. “If… If you let me, I can make you happy.”

“Mon-El—“

“You’ve told me… You said that you’ve never been happier than when you were with me. That you…you never wanted to let go of it.”

“Mon-El—“

“And if you…if you let me, I can help you find that again. I can help you find that happiness again. Please, Kara, I—“

“Mon-El, I don’t want it!” Kara’s yell made Mon-El flinch as she pulled her hand back harshly, her deep blue eyes boring into him. Her gaze was so intense that he felt himself crumble under it, not just because it was obvious his words meant nothing to her, but also…also she didn’t want them to mean anything. She didn’t want them to matter.

She ran her fingers through her hair with frustration as she shook her head. “I don’t want our relationship,” she repeated herself, more calmly this time, spelling out every word. “What I want is to be alone. To figure this out myself. What I want…” She looked up, her lips pressed together, her expression devoid of any kind of emotion. He shook his head at that, tears blurring his vision, yet she ignored it as she continued. “What I want is for you to let me go. Please. I need you to let me go.”

He shook his head again, trying to deny her words, but there was no way he could miss the conviction in her voice. And no matter how much he didn’t want this to be true, no matter how much he wanted to close his eyes and pretend this was nothing but a nightmare… It didn’t change the fact that all of this was real. That all of this was happening. Kara had forgotten him. She had… She’d forgotten him, and she… She didn’t want to have anything to do with him. She wanted… She wanted him out of her life.

He felt tears wetting his cheeks as he bit down on his lip. “I don’t want to lose you,” he whispered, his voice cracking mid-sentence, so much so that he wasn’t even sure if he sounded unintelligible. He squeezed the rings in his hand tightly as he searched Kara’s face, looking for a sign of recognition, something that told him…something that said she wouldn’t let him go, that she would want him to stay with her. But there was only pity when she shook her head, and somehow that hurt even worse than her anger.

“I’m sorry,” she said, her voice shaking only slightly as she pulled back completely, staring at the wall across from her bed instead of him. She continued before he could say anything. “I need you to go, Mon-El. Please.”

And that shattered the last bit of hope he was holding on. He could do nothing but watch her for a couple of seconds, even though she didn’t even turn to him, obviously wanting him gone sooner rather than later. And despite pain shooting through his veins, despite the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach, despite his lungs feeling so small that he was struggling to breathe… He stood up. He stood up, trying desperately to keep himself together and not just collapse into sobs, and he knew it was only sheer will that kept him from doing that, and from grabbing her hand again and begging her to not let him go, to not force him to lose her. But… But he didn’t have a choice. Kara had made it clear that she didn’t want him, and no matter how much he tried to convince her that he could make her happy… He wouldn’t be able to change her mind. She didn’t have the memories of the Kara he spent the last couple of years with, and even _then_ it took her months to actually fall for him and another couple of years to risk having a relationship. How could he just expect her to do that in a matter of _hours?_

But of course, despite thinking that, despite all logic and common sense… It hurt. It still hurt _too damn much_.

“I love you, Kara,” he found himself whispering when he was sure opening his mouth wouldn’t just end up in sobs, and the only indication that she heard was the way her jaw clenched. He gulped before he continued. “And I’ll never stop loving you. No matter what… No matter what happened, you are my wife, and I… I love you.” He took in a shaky breathe, willing himself to hold it together for just a moment more, just until he got out the words he needed to say. And then, after leaving the room… He’d have plenty of time to break down. “And if you…if you ever need someone, or if you…if you remember… _us…_ You can always come to me. You…have my phone number. You can… You can always call me and…” He bit the inside of his cheek to keep himself from sobbing. “And I’ll be there for you. Without blinking. I want you to…to know that I’ll _always_ be there for you.” He stopped then, waiting, waiting for her to look at him, to say something, _anything_ … But she didn’t. Instead she kept staring at the wall, her good hand fisted on her lap, her lips pressed tightly together, as if…as if she was asking him to leave, asking him to just… _leave_.

And despite that being the last thing he wanted to do…he left. He turned around and left, though he was pretty sure that he left behind a couple of pieces of his shattered heart behind in that room, with Kara. And he was also pretty sure that… There was no way he could get those pieces back, at least not without having her back too. Without her… There would always be some part of him missing. Without her…

He could never be whole again, even if he spent the rest of his life trying to do just that.


	3. Flash of Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all!
> 
> Sorry this took me a bit of time to write, I hadn't realized working on three multichapters would be this hard lol :) Buuuuuuut here it is! I hope y'all like it. 
> 
> Also, for my Chuck fans out there... "Flashing", anyone? :)
> 
> Enjoy!

_“Well, if I knew ice cream was a way to a super spy’s heart, I would’ve gotten you one years ago.” The words left Mon-El’s mouth just as Kara was about to dive into the ice cream cone in her hand, probably splotching it all over her face. She stopped at the last second, the chocolate-y goodness an inch away from her mouth, to look up and glare at Mon-El._

_“Ha, ha,” she said almost sarcastically, but it only widened the smile on his face instead of him backing down from her words. And Kara had to admit, he_ did _look pretty good with a huge smile on his face…but that didn’t mean he could get away with his words. And the corners of her lips were twitching because of_ anger _, not from joy or anything else. “Keep dreaming, Mon-El. It’s gonna take more than just some ice cream for you to win my heart.” She pointed the ice cream at him before turning her attention to it, licking a huge chunk of it without caring about brain freeze. It wasn’t even two days ago she arrested Eve Tessmacher, a rogue spy, she could handle a bit of cold, right?_

_Mon-El chuckled with her words, and Kara could feel his eyes on her as he tightened his grip around her shoulders, leaning down to press a small kiss on her temple. And despite herself—and her attempts to not give the satisfaction of making her happy to Mon-El—Kara found herself smiling into the ice cream as she pushed a strand of her hair away from her face._

_“But I’m doing a good job, right?” Mon-El said, taking her out of her thoughts. Kara shot another glare at him, elbowing his side when she saw him grin almost smugly. That only made him laugh all over again. She narrowed her eyes when he shrugged. “I mean, I did get you three scoops of ice cream. That has got to earn me some points.”_

_Kara turned to her ice cream again, not being able to help a small chuckle from escaping her lips as she shook her head. She shook her head, even as the world around her started to go dark, so much so that the only thing she could see was the ice cream. She sighed almost exasperatedly at the last second, before the darkness swallowed everything up._

_“You are insufferable.”_

* * *

Kara startled awake from her dream as she blinked her eyes open, and it took her a bit of time to adjust her vision and remember where she was. For a couple of seconds… For a couple of seconds all she could see was Mon-El, smiling down at her with his gray-blue eyes shining with pure happiness, his arm wrapped tightly and lovingly around her shoulders. It took a bit of time to shake herself off from the dream, to start seeing the curtains of her apartment blocking the sunlight instead of the ice cream in her hand. And she only realized then that she wasn’t on the street with… _Mon-El_ …but she was in the apartment, which the CIA provided for her when she said…

When she said she needed a new place. When she said she couldn’t stay with Mon-El… _anymore._ Alex had told her that he’d suggested _he_ leave their house instead of her, but she’d refused that. She wasn’t lying, ten days ago, when she said she didn’t want anything to do with him or their marriage, and that…that included the house. Which was why she’d moved out, with Alex bringing her enough clothes to get by for at least a couple of weeks. She’d been so _sure_ she’d never even want to see Mon-El ever again that she’d accepted even this small studio apartment with enthusiasm when the alternative was living with him. Now, though…

Now, day by day, she was beginning to doubt her decision. Especially as… Especially as she had these…these _flashes_ of memories, for the lack of a better word. And she _knew_ they were memories, because they didn’t only happen in her dreams. They happened when she was awake too. Like when she was sent to a gala in a mission a couple of days ago, and when she saw the dancing couples, an image of her dancing with Mon-El, their arms wrapped around each other tightly, popped into her mind. Or when she opened her cupboard a couple of days ago to get a bar of chocolate, only to see that she didn’t have any, she couldn’t help remembering how Mon-El always made sure there were sweets in their house for her, since she tended to crave them at the most ridiculous times. Or when she went out with only a short-sleeved t-shirt in the middle of the night to get some air, only to get cold in a matter of minutes, and this image of Mon-El wrapping his jacket around her flashed into her mind, with his fingers brushing the bare skin of her arms, with him smiling down at her and reaching forward, pressing a small kiss on her lips…

She quickly shook away those thoughts as she kicked her blanket away and sat up, wanting to get rid of the flurry of memories flashing through her mind. It had only been ten days since she woke up, yet she’d remembered so many things about the last twelve years she’d, so many things about… _him_ , that it was ridiculous. Most were unrelated snippets of memories, so much so that she didn’t even remember _when_ they occurred, but that didn’t mean she didn’t remember them. And the more she remembered, the more she started thinking that…that maybe Mon-El had been right about him and her. Maybe she really was the happiest she’d ever been with him. Maybe—

_No_. No, she couldn’t think like that. She was a _special agent_ with the CIA; she’d given up her hope of having relationships a long time ago. They would just be a burden to her, a burden she didn’t want, and not only that, there was a good chance they would also compromise her performance. That was why she’d accepted that she’d never date anyone, or fall in love with them, or _god forbid_ marry them. Whatever happened between her and Mon-El… It might’ve been real and _happy_ for the person that didn’t lose those twelve years, but it was nothing but a burden to the person she was now. She didn’t—she _couldn’t—_ want it.

Holding onto those thoughts she stood up, needing to have a scaldingly hot shower to get rid of the new memory that popped into her mind. Especially since it got harder to ignore them every single day, no matter how much she knew that would be the best for her.

Still, she couldn’t help coming to a stop right in front of the bathroom’s door when she saw her phone sitting on the counter, the screen dark. Well, _of course_ it was dark, she didn’t think any message or call would come at 7 in the morning. Yet still she stopped, her heart skipping a beat, just like…just like it always seemed to do whenever she saw her phone after remembering something. And just like the other times, Mon-El’s words started ringing in her ears, even as she tried to shut them out.

_If you…if you remember…us… You can always come to me. You…have my phone number. You can… You can always call me and… And I’ll be there for you. Without blinking. I want you to…to know that I’ll always be there for you._

She blinked when she felt tears filling her eyes. He’d said those words with such pain, such _heartbreak_ in his voice that even almost two weeks later she couldn’t forget them. She hadn’t been lying to him when she said she knew he loved her, but those words… Those words proved it. They proved it in more ways than one showing not only how _scared_ he was of losing her, but also how he was _still_ willing to let her go if that was what she wanted. He’d loved her with everything that he had, _obviously,_ yet he still let her go, and…and she didn’t even know what to truly make of that. Which was one reason she’d _refused_ to think about it whenever it came to her mind, but now… It was like she couldn’t shut out the words.

_If you remember…us… You can always come to me. You…have my phone number. You can… You can always call me._

Kara hadn’t even realized her hand was hovering over her phone until she tried to push away his words, the words he’d uttered with tears sliding down his cheeks, just like _her_ tears were filling her eyes now. _You can always call me._ That was what he said. If she remembered…or if she needed him… She could call him. And she didn’t have a flicker of doubt in her mind that he’d be there, even though she only remembered a very small part of their relationship. Somewhere… Somewhere deep inside she just…she just knew it, she knew what kind of a person he was, and he wasn’t someone that would abandon his loved ones in tough times.

_If you remember…us… You can always come to me._

She could, couldn’t she? She could go to him. Maybe she didn’t remember everything, maybe her feelings hadn’t come back to their full extent, but she remembered… _something_. And if she called him… If she saw him… Maybe the rest would come back. Maybe she’d remember the love he was talking about—not just _he_ but _everyone_ in her life. At some point even Alex, her sister, one of the coldest and most disciplined special agents she knew, told her that she’d truly been in love with Mon-El, and that…that had to mean something. If everyone was talking about this epic love between her and Mon-El it must mean _something._ And maybe… Maybe they were right. Maybe she’d been in love with Mon-El. Maybe he made her happy like no one else could. Maybe they had managed to make their relationship work despite her being a special agent. Maybe their love had been so strong that it overcame her reluctance about relationships, and maybe…maybe it had been worth fighting for. Maybe it made her _so happy_ that she fought for it, she fought to have it. And maybe if she let him back in her life, if she let _herself_ be a part of his life… She could find that love, that _happiness_ again. Maybe…

_No._ She immediately shook away those thoughts as she pulled her hand away from the phone and instead focused on the bathroom. No, she couldn’t do it. She was a special agent. Her priority had to be her work, her missions, her _country._ She knew what she was signing up for when she became a special agent. She knew she could never be in a relationship, and she’d _accepted_ it. She was _fine_ with it. And maybe…maybe that was why she forgot the last twelve years of her life. Maybe it wasn’t a curse but a blessing, something that saved her from the burden of having a relationship. Something that gave her a choice _not_ to have that relationship, and with that choice… She wasn’t about to risk going back to that. She had a choice in her hand again, a choice between Mon-El and being a special agent, and when it came down to it… She’d always make the same choice she’d done years ago. She’d always choose being a special agent. She hadn’t regretted it then, and she surely wouldn’t regret it now, right?

At least that was what she told herself, that was what she _convinced_ herself of as she went into the bathroom. Yet still, even as she opened the tap, even as hot water hit her in the back, even as she closed her eyes and let it wash away every bit of memory she remembered about Mon-El… She couldn’t forget those two gray-blue eyes from her dream, looking at her with such caring, such compassion, such…such _love._ And no matter how much she tried… She couldn’t block out the part that _returned_ those feelings.

* * *

Kara was blow-drying her hair when she heard a knock on the door. She honestly didn’t know _how_ she’d heard it, since the blow dryer _was_ loud, and even without that she was distracted with the thoughts circling in her mind. But it must’ve been her super spy senses involuntarily catching the sound, and the moment she realized someone was at the door she turned off the blow dryer to see who came.

She was surprised to see that it was Alex, her sister, standing at the door at 8:30 in the morning, a huge cardboard box in her hand. Not that she was surprised Alex had woken up early too. It was one downside—or perk, some would say—of being a special agent: You had to be so alert even while you were sleeping that you couldn’t stay asleep after a certain time.

Though Kara _was_ surprised that Alex interrupted her at such an early time, especially since today was her day off and she didn’t have any missions. At least… Well, at least she _hoped_ so.

“Alex?” she said, trying to shake off her thoughts and grogginess as she frowned at the woman, and _especially_ at the grin on her face. Which could mean that something really good had happened…or something really bad. Kara truly hoped that it was the former. “What are you doing here so early?”

“Well, good morning to you too,” Alex chirped way too happily, almost pushing Kara to the side as she entered her small apartment. Kara’s brows arched with surprise, yet she couldn’t do anything other than following her sister inside after shutting the door. She watched as Alex dropped the huge box on her bed. From the way her shoulders slumped, Kara could guess that the box was heavy.

“Good morning,” she muttered under her breath as she approached the bed tentatively, never taking her eyes off of the box. “Please tell me that’s not a bomb,” she couldn’t help asking. Alex lightly chuckled at that and pushed her hair away from her face, shaking her head. There was a glint of excitement and amusement in her eyes, which made Kara believe her. Even someone like her sister wouldn’t lie about a bomb with a smile of her face.

Well, most of the time.

“Don’t worry, not a bomb. Well, not a _literal_ bomb.” That only worked to make Kara more anxious as she lifted her brow.

“Alex, you’re scaring me,” she said, crossing her arms over her chest. “What’s in the box?” Alex hesitated at first, conflict brewing in her eyes, but then it seemed like she gave up. She sighed as she tugged on the lid of the box.

“It’s everything I could gather together about…about you and Mon-El without alerting you two.” Kara felt herself freeze with those words. She knew her sister had continued talking, she could _hear_ the words, but she could barely _register_ them because of the ringing in her ears. “And, well… It took me quite a bit of time to put this together, because it’s _really_ hard to find a time Mon-El isn’t moping at home lately. I could rarely sneak into his house.” Alex cleared her throat at that but Kara couldn’t even focus on it as she stared at the box. The box that had… _everything…_ about her and Mon-El. The box that carried their _relationship._ “Not that… Not that you needed to know that he was sad, but you know what I mean.” What was in the box? Photos? Videos? It did look heavy. How… _How much_ stuff had Alex exactly gathered? “And I thought… I thought you might want to see this, you know. To help you remember him. I know you’ve been having flashes of memories, and—“

_“No,”_ Kara choked out before Alex could get far, even shocking the woman for a second. She stepped away from the bed, her heart slamming against her ribs as she shook her head. “No. I won’t do it. I won’t do it.” No matter how much she tried to keep the fear out of her voice it was impossible. And for someone whose job was to literally pretend to be someone else every other week, that said something. She was supposed to have a good grip on her emotions, but now… Faced with the possibility of remembering Mon-El… She couldn’t. She couldn’t think of anything other than the fact that she couldn’t remember him, she couldn’t remember that she loved him, she was a _spy_ and spies didn’t have relationships. She couldn’t be with Mon-El, she couldn’t _love_ Mon-El, she couldn’t—

“Kara…” Alex whispered, taking her out of her thoughts. Kara’s eyes snapped at her sister from the box as she shook her head again.

“No,” she repeated again, but Alex ignored her, taking her arm gently in her hand.

“I know you’re scared to remember, I know you’re scared to love him right now, but…but you’ve been together for at least six years before all this happened. And you’ve been happy. Shouldn’t you… Shouldn’t you at least give that a chance?”

“Alex, you know I can’t,” Kara found herself hissing, her emotions getting the better of her. “Whoever I was six years ago might’ve risked having a relationship, but I can’t now. You know damn well that I can’t.” She’d expected Alex to cave in, to agree with her—her sister had always followed the rules better than she did—but Alex just smiled sadly at her and rubbed her arm.

“You risked it once,” she said it softly. “And it made you the happiest you’ve ever been. You can do it again.” She pressed her lips together at that, as if trying to decide whether she should say something or not, before opening her mouth. “And I… I’m not saying this to make you guilty, but Kara… Mon-El really misses you. He… He is in a horrible place right now. Losing you…had been really hard on him. He’d sacrificed a lot to be with you, he’d always been very understanding about your job and your missions, and he…he’d loved you. He still loves you, more than you can imagine, and… You deserve to feel that love. You deserve to _at least_ give yourself a chance to feel that.” Before she could continue her phone buzzed in her pocket, distracting her for a moment. Kara saw her frown, yet she barely registered or got worried about it with the ringing in her ears and the pounding of her heart.

“Director Henshaw is calling me to the headquarters, I have to go,” Alex announced a couple of seconds later. Kara could only nod at that as she turned to her sister, not knowing what to say, especially when Alex offered her a small smile and rubbed her arm. “I’m not going to force you to look into the box, and if you decide that you don’t want to see what’s inside, I’ll take it when I come back tonight. But Kara, please… Just give it a chance. Give _him_ a chance. For yourself, if not for him. You… You deserve to be happy.” And that was the last thing Alex said before she walked out of the apartment, leaving Kara alone with the box, her pounding heart, and conflicted thoughts.


	4. Reunion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all!
> 
> Okay, it's about 2 a.m. here right now, and I'm way too tired to write a note, soooooo I'm just saying that I hope y'all like this ending! I certainly enjoyed it so much, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE this AU, so even though a part of this story is at an end, I can promise... I'm still planning to write more for it :) So fingers crossed, this is not the end!!!
> 
> Hope y'all like it!

_Kara had always been a light sleeper. It was one of the downsides of being a special agent. She’d gotten so used to being alert and aware all the time that she woke up with the littlest sound…or smell, in this case. A smile pulled her lips as the scent of pancakes filled her nose, and when her stomach grumbled, she didn’t miss any time kicking her blanket away and making her way to the kitchen. She already knew what she would find there; she’d momentarily woken up when Mon-El left the bed, yet still her heart stuttered a beat when she saw him. He was standing in front of the stove with a spatula in one hand and what she assumed was pancake batter as he stared at the pan in front of him. She also couldn’t help noticing her yellow and white apron around his waist that was one size or two small for him, yet still, he looked absolutely adorable—and way better than her—in it._

_And, well… She certainly was hoping he wouldn’t mind her snapping a picture of him like that. But could anyone really blame her? Somehow he’d managed to find a perfect mixture of hot and cute, which was so rare for_ anyone _that Kara wanted to preserve that moment forever._

_She put away her phone after taking the picture and stepped closer to him, watching him flip a pancake on a plate. There was no way she could suppress the smile on her face. “Pancakes?” she mused almost too quietly, yet Mon-El was so focused on the work at hand that he still jumped, almost dropping his spatula on the floor. Kara chuckled when his wide eyes turned to her. “They smell really good.” She flashed him a small smile as she slipped her arm around his waist. She couldn’t help appreciating their height difference once more when she rested her cheek on his shoulder._

_Well, at least until Mon-El started speaking and broke the magic of the moment. “No,” he whispered. A frown pulled Kara’s brows at that as she looked up, a small laugh leaving her lips._

_“What?” She couldn’t help feeling taken aback at Mon-El’s panicked expression. Worry filled her too as she stepped back to get a good look at him. “Did I do something wrong?” The question left her lips without her intention, even though as far as she remembered she hadn’t done anything differently than previous mornings._

_Which was probably why she couldn’t help feeling surprised when Mon-El threw his arms in the air, almost hitting the counter with the spatula in his hand, and exclaimed, “Yes!” She lifted her brows at that reaction, especially when his shoulders slumped defeatedly. His eyes were shining with…disappointment…as he put the spatula down and turned to her. “I was trying to make you breakfast in bed,” he said as he gestured at the tray that was resting on the kitchen island. Her eyes widened as the realization finally hit her, and butterflies replaced the worry churning in her stomach. A soft smile spread on her lips as Mon-El continued. “I was going on full romance here,” he said, taking a step towards her and putting his hands on her waist. Kara couldn’t help chuckling at his pursed lips. “And you have ruined it.” He looked down at her as if someone had taken away his candy from him. She felt her heart swell in her chest as she put her hands on his chest._

_“Well, that’s really sweet,” she started—and she had to admit that it_ was— _“but I’m a special agent, Mon-El. You have to be a bit sneakier than that to not wake me up.” Mon-El shot her a glare at those words, which only made her smile wider. “And also, there’s no way you’re getting in the way of me and”—she looked behind him and saw strips of bacon resting on the plate—“bacon!”_

_She almost_ shoved _Mon-El aside as she rushed to the tray, even as the memory around her started to fade. The last thing she remembered as she looked at the now blurry plate was Mon-El approaching her from behind, a soft chuckle on his lips._

* * *

Kara blinked as she tried to bring herself back to reality from the memory that just flashed in her mind. It took her a couple of seconds to realize where she was: In her new apartment, which she did _not_ share with Mon-El, sitting on the bed with her legs crossed underneath her, the box of stuff Alex brought spread around her. And there was so much stuff that even though almost every inch of the bed was covered, some of them had to overlap. And all of them…all of them were about her and Mon-El. About their relationship.

It’d been really hard to believe that they’d made this many memories together…at least at first, before she actually started to go through everything in front of her. But as every photo that she took in her hand made her lose herself in another memory, as every jewelry reminded her of her and Mon-El’s dates that she wore them on, as every gift that she saw brought back another special day to her… The six years they’d spent together started seeming _too short_. They’d made memories—so many memories—in those six years that it felt like…it felt like they’d been together for… _forever_.

She forced her tears away from her eyes as she pushed away from her thoughts and instead focused on the photo in front of her. Mon-El leaning over the stove, cooking pancakes with a small smile on his face and a yellow and white striped apron around his waist. The photo she’d taken of him, as she remembered now. That had been… That had been a happy day. One of the rare ones in which both her and him had a day off from the CIA. So they spent it at home, cuddled on the couch with ice creams in hand and a blanket over them, having a movie marathon. She didn’t remember which movies they’d watched that day, but she remembered having Mon-El’s arms around her and her back resting on his chest. She’d felt loved then, so, so loved. And not only that, she was relaxed and calm in a way she’d never felt in her life, at least not as far as she remembered, and she…she found herself wanting that feeling. _Aching_ for that feeling. The more… The more she remembered about Mon-El, the more she realized how right Alex was and how happy she’d actually been with him, and she…she wanted that.

She had to put the photo aside before tears started streaming down her face and reached for another photo, a photo of her and Mon-El together this time. She was hugging him from behind—no. He was carrying her on his back, with her arms winded around his shoulders and her legs wrapped around his hips. He was holding her thighs as he looked at her with a huge smile on his face, and she… Kara almost had to blink when she saw the expression on her face. She was laughing, it was pretty obvious, but that wasn’t what caught her attention. It was her eyes that glinted with pure happiness. It was her hair glowing under the sunlight. It was the carefree look on her face, as if she had nothing to worry about, something she so rarely felt that it was hard to believe at first. At least… At least until the memory of the photo filled her mind and she felt herself getting lost in the moment again. And chasing that carefree feeling, she didn’t even try to fight it as she closed her eyes.

* * *

_“Mon-El, you know I can walk, right? Even while blindfolded?” Kara said as she tightened her grip around her fiancé’s shoulders, trying not to let her curiosity win and pull off the scarf around her eyes. Yet still, through the black material she tried to see her surroundings…to no avail. Damn, he’d made a damn good job covering her eyes._

_Yet that didn’t mean she didn’t hear his chuckle, and with her front completely flushed with his back, the laugh reverberated through her in a way that made her shudder. “I know, I know, I’ve seen you do all sorts of crazy stuff in your spy missions.” She felt him turn his head around briefly, assuming to look at her. And she was proved right when she felt his lips on her cheek, planting a small kiss there. “But I’m not risking you tripping over something and breaking your leg. You’d just healed from a sprained ankle a couple of weeks ago.” Kara huffed at that, hoping he didn’t see her small smile as she rested her chin on his shoulder. Yet even then she had to agree. A broken leg would definitely not be nice._

_“I hate it when you’re right,” she muttered under her breath as she shifted on his back, trying to get more comfortable—well, she_ was _comfortable actually, she just wasn’t that used to being carried, at least willingly. She never had someone that she’d willingly be blindfolded and carried for…until Mon-El. But now, when he asked to blindfold her after he stopped the car in front of some park, and then offered to carry her to wherever they were going, she didn’t felt worried or wary at all. She felt… She felt excited. Special, even, when she thought about the lengths Mon-El would go to surprise her. And even now, as she was taken to this mysterious place, she felt curious and excited, not scared._

_She never felt scared around Mon-El._

_She slipped away from her thoughts when she felt Mon-El shrug. “Well, I try,” he said almost nonchalantly, earning a light punch on his chest from Kara. Yet he just laughed it off before taking a deep breath. His steps slowed until he stopped. “And we’re here.”_

_Kara had reached up and taken off the blindfold so quickly that she almost fell off of Mon-El’s back, yet she managed to hug him tightly and find her balance before she stared in front of her._

_Only to have her mouth drop when she saw what was there. Because it was… There was_ everything _, and she wasn’t exaggerating. It was a small field in the park among trees, which were decorated with all colors and kinds of ribbons, balloons, ornaments, and even a couple of torches and candles and lights. She also saw several pieces of paper hanging from the branches of the trees, and it took her a couple of moments to realize they were photographs. Her heart swelled in her chest at that, and she hadn’t even looked at the field yet, which was…which was another story. There were more photographs scattered around there, this time hanging from metal bars placed around, and there were even more candles and lights around illuminating…illuminating what was in the middle. A huge blanket with all kinds of food over it, from pizza to potstickers, from ice cream to doughnuts, and…and a huge birthday cake in the middle._

_A huge birthday cake._ Birthday. _It was her birthday today! A laugh escaped her lips at that realization as she couldn’t believe that she’d forgotten it. But it seemed like Mon-El didn’t, nor all of their friends, who were standing around the blanket with huge smiles on their face. She was so focused on everything that she didn’t even notice the photo that Winn snapped of her and Mon-El. Especially as everyone—well, everyone except Mon-El since his hands were busy making sure she didn’t fall down—started clapping._

_“Happy birthday, Kara!” The scream that erupted in the field was so loud that Kara would’ve winced in any other situation, but all she could do right now was laugh and try to blink her tears away. Especially as she turned to her fiancé._

_“You did this all for me?” Mon-El let her slide down his back and get on her feet before turning to her. He put his hand on her elbow softly._

_“_ We _did this all for you.” He flashed her a huge smile and cupped her cheek. Kara leaned her head to his hand when she felt his thumb brush her cheekbone. “Happy birthday, babe.”_

* * *

Kara only managed to slip away from the memory when she felt a wetness on her cheeks, and only then she realized that she’d started crying. She put the photo aside and wiped her cheek furiously, cursing at herself for not being able to hold herself together. But that memory… It’d hit her hard. Not because it was bad, per se. It was… It was too good. The happiness she’d felt there, the love, the comfort… It was nothing like she could even _imagine_. The way Mon-El looked at her with his gray-blue eyes shining, as if she was the most important thing in his life… And the way _she_ looked at _him,_ with a feeling she’d never experienced before… A feeling she never really _let_ herself experience…

_Love._

They were… They were so in love in that memory, and she…she wanted it. She wanted that kind of love. She’d been so _sure_ she wouldn’t when she first woke up, but now… Now all she could think about was being with Mon-El, hugging him, letting his love wash over her and protect her as she snuggled up to his chest. She wanted to be in his embrace, she wanted to feel his arms around her, holding her tightly and gluing all of her broken pieces together. She wanted… She just wanted _him._

She quickly pushed those thoughts away as she pressed her palms on her eyes for a couple of seconds, trying to get herself together. She couldn’t go down that road. She couldn’t just forget what might happen if she had a relationship just because she started remembering her love for Mon-El. Her feelings would be compromised. She might not perform as well as she normally would on missions. She might not be able to sacrifice herself when she needed to, knowing she had someone home to come back to. Knowing how her death might affect Mon-El. She couldn’t risk that for the possibility of just a relationship.

She tried to ignore the part of her mind that insisted her and Mon-El was more than just a relationship as she reached for another photo. She almost came to a complete stop when she realized where it was from. There was no mistaking the white gown she was wearing. It was from their wedding. Her and Mon-El’s _wedding_. She couldn’t help feeling breathless as she looked at it. Yes, of course she knew they’d been married, and that meant they must’ve had a wedding, but she…she never really _thought_ about it. And now, seeing the photo, seeing herself and Mon-El smiling at each other brightly as they held hands… She couldn’t help being thrown into the memory headfirst, before she could stop herself.

* * *

_Kara could feel her heart slamming against her ribs as she took a deep breath, grasping Winn’s arm tightly. “I think I’m gonna throw up,” she whispered, pressing the flowers in her hand on her chest. Her stomach was churning so much as she stared at the small crowd gathered a little bit away from where they were standing that she couldn’t try to ignore it anymore. She pressed her lips together. “No, I’m sure I’m gonna throw up—“ She cut her babble when she felt Winn’s hand over her arm._

_“Hey, Kara, relax,” he said softly, leaning forward to look at the woman’s face. “There’s no need to be nervous.” He almost winced back when she shot a glare at him._

“There’s no need to be nervous?” _she hissed, curling her fingers around the bouquet of flowers into a fist. “In a couple of minutes I’ll walk out there and marry the love of my life, and you’re saying there’s_ no need to be nervous? _What if… What if something goes wrong? What if I can’t talk? What if I trip and fall?” Winn lightly chuckled at that, earning another glare and also a small punch on his chest. He shook his head._

_“Mon-El will be as in love with you as he’s always been even if you mess up, Kara,” he reassured her. “And you think he’s not anxious too? Because he is. Hell, he’d been freaking out when I went to see him. But you wouldn’t just stop loving him if he messed something up, right?” Kara couldn’t help knitting her brows._

_“Well, of course not! That’s ridiculous—“ Her voice trailed off when she realized what Winn’s words meant. She narrowed her eyes. “That was a low blow, Winn.” Yet even then the nervous energy in her didn’t dissipate. She nibbled with her lower lip as she stared at the crowd again. “I just want today to be perfect,” she whispered, desperation tinting her voice. “I never thought I could have…something like this. Someone like Mon-El. I never thought… I never thought I would be this happy, and now that I am, I… I don’t want to mess up anything. I_ need _this night to be perfect.” She swallowed hard to get rid of the knot in her throat as she turned to Winn. He had a small smile on his face as he looked at Kara._

_“And it will be, if you just get your head out of your ass and realize that there is nothing to be nervous about. You’re marrying the love of your life, who, by the way, loves you just as much as you love him, if not more. You’re about to start a life together—a happy life at that. What more could you ask for?”_

A happy and perfect wedding, _Kara couldn’t help thinking, but she didn’t voice those words when she realized that wasn’t what Winn was talking about. And… And he was right. She really couldn’t ask for anything more. She… She had everything she wanted, and then some. She was finally, truly, unconditionally happy._

_“Okay, okay, you’re right. I’m—“ She came to a complete stop when she heard the song change, which was their cue to start walking down the aisle. Her heart rate spiked momentarily as she gulped. “That’s our cue,” she quickly whispered, feeling fear tinting her voice. She felt so grateful for Winn at that moment for holding her arm, because otherwise she really thought she might fall down._

_“You ready?” Winn asked briefly, and despite not feeling ready at all, Kara found herself nodding. And then they were walking. She could feel her heart slamming against her ribs, and it was a work to take deep breaths, especially as she saw the people around her stand up and look at her. She was pretty sure she could faint at any second, at least until Winn leaned into her ear._

_“Focus on Mon-El,” he whispered, realizing how much she needed a tether. Kara finally managed to tear her eyes away from the crowd at that and looked at the man waiting for her at the end of the aisle…and suddenly, like magic, she felt her muscles relax. Mon-El was there, standing on the altar with his hands behind her back and a black suit stretching over his muscles. Yet that wasn’t what Kara focused on, as hot as he looked in his outfit. No. She focused on his face, a face that was so familiar to him at this point that she could paint it perfectly even with her eyes closed. A face that always managed to calm down her worries and made her feel comfortable, relaxed,_ loved… _And those eyes… Those gray-blue eyes of his that she oh-so adored and never got tired of looking at, even though it had been years since they first met. And now they were shining under the light of the sun, reflecting his smile and his happiness. All of her worries flew away seeing that, and she found herself smiling back at him shortly after that. And only then she realized the truth of Winn’s words._

_She didn’t need this night to be perfect. Well, it would certainly be nice, but even as she messed up, even if something went wrong and the wedding ended up being a disaster… She’d have Mon-El with her. He’d still love her, he’d still stay with her, just as she’d do for him. Because they belonged with each other, and nothing could change that._

_And the only thing she felt as she continued her walk wasn’t nervousness or anxiety. It was love, pure love and…and belonging, especially as she walked up the steps to stand in front of Mon-El and held his hands. It was the promise of a home—no, not even that. It wasn’t a promise, it was…it was reality. Because right now, as she looked at him… She was home._

* * *

Kara was pretty sure her muscles were frozen as she managed to shake the memory away. And she’d wished the things she remembered about that night ended there. Well, the _special agent_ part of her wished that. Because she…she remembered all of it. She remembered almost _everything_ about the wedding. Some of the parts, especially as the officiant spoke about love and marriage and stuff like that, was a bit blurry, but the other parts… The vows she and Mon-El told each other… The love shining in their eyes and the feeling of belonging in their touch… Their first dance, their _second_ dance, the laughs they shared, the smiles, the happiness… Sneaking away from the wedding to get to Mon-El’s SUV and the moments they shared there… It all came back to her. But one thing was clear, one thing was at the forefront of her mind. She’d felt _home_ that day. She’d felt like she belonged somewhere, she’d belonged with him in a way she never was with anyone else. She’d found a home in Mon-El. Not even _a_ home, she’d found _her_ home, the place she was always meant to be. And it was Mon-El.

Mon-El was her home.

That was all she could think as she stared at the photo. She was pretty sure there was a lot of stuff she didn’t remember yet, a lot of moments they shared together, but it didn’t matter. Not when she looked at the photo and…and remember what she felt. Remember _how_ she felt about Mon-El. She loved him. God, she loved him so much that she couldn’t believe it right now, but she loved him. And she knew it was real. The butterflies in her stomach, her fluttering heart, fire coursing through her veins… She’d never felt anything like it, but she knew—she just _knew—_ that it was love. She loved Mon-El. She loved her husband, and he… He loved her back too. He loved her, just as fiercely, just as truly and genuinely as she loved him.

And she’d pushed him out of her life.

What she’d done hit her only then. The gravity of it. She’d pushed him out of her life, without even listening to him, without letting him explain. He’d claimed that she loved him, and the idea sounded so ridiculous to her that she didn’t even want to have anything to do with it. But he was right, wasn’t he? She loved him, _she loved him,_ with every fiber of her being she loved him, and even that felt like an understatement for how she felt for him. And she was pretty sure that he loved her the same way too. Yet she…she forced him to leave her. She made him think that she didn’t want him, that he’d have to live the rest of his life without her. And if even the thought of it made her cringe now, she was sure his heart must’ve been broken. Badly.

Well, duh. It had been pretty obvious how much she hurt him that day. It was written all over his face. Yet she ignored it, because…because what? She was scared of being in love? He tried to remind her, he tried to tell her that she was _happy_ with him, yet she decided to not believe it to protect her heart, not knowing that her heart belonged with him. _She_ belonged with him, and…

And she’d hurt him. She’d hurt him badly.

_Oh my God._

That was all she could think as she scrambled up the bed and reached for her phone, opening her contacts with shaky fingers. She called Alex without losing any time, pacing around the room, trying to gather together her thoughts. Yet she realized that it wasn’t as easy as she hoped it would be with her thundering heart.

Fortunately, Alex answered not much later.

“Kara?” And that was all her sister could say before Kara literally blurted the words out.

“I remember.” She felt almost breathless as she stopped, standing in the middle of the room, staring at the mirror right across from her. She could see how messy she looked with her knotted hair, pale face, and too wide eyes. Not that it really mattered at this point. “Alex, I _remember_.”

“What?” Alex choked out at those words, disbelief coloring her tone. Kara took a breath and shut her eyes, pressing her hand on her forehead to keep herself from falling apart. She was pretty sure her words sounded a big pile of nonsense as she continued. But how could she hope to make sense of her words if she couldn’t even make sense of her _thoughts?_ Especially with the guilt, pain, and shame churning in her stomach?

“I… I looked through the box, Alex. I looked through the…the photos, the gifts, the jewelry, and I… I remember. I remember Mon-El.” She took a deep breath as she stopped briefly, clutching her phone hard. The next words left her mouth as a whisper. “I love him.”

Alex didn’t say anything for a moment, at least until a laugh filled Kara’s ears. “Kara, that’s great!” she exclaimed, her smile audible in her voice. “See, I told you to give him a chance. I knew you’d—“

“No, Alex, you don’t understand,” Kara stopped her before she could get far, shaking her head. Tears filled her eyes. “I told him to leave me.” There was no way she could stop her voice from quivering. “I love him, Alex, I love him so much, but I… I told him I didn’t want him. I thought I didn’t want him, I thought I would never want him, and I… I broke his heart. Alex, I hurt him _badly_.” She had to stop when she felt a sob making its way up her throat. Luckily, Alex didn’t hesitate before talking this time.

“Mon-El would never hold that against you, Kara.” She sounded so sure of her words that Kara wanted to believe her, yet that didn’t help with the tear that slipped down her cheek. She wiped it away quickly.

“I know he wouldn’t, I remember… I remember what kind of a person he was.” And he was so genuinely good that it still felt unbelievable, even as she knew it was real. “But Alex… That doesn’t change the fact that I hurt him, and I…I don’t know how to fix this. And don’t tell me to just go to him and apologize, because I think we both know that won’t make what I did better.” She desperately bit her lip as she stared at the stuff scattered on her bed. It was hard to keep her sobs down at this point. “Alex, why did Mon-El give up? Why didn’t he… Why didn’t he try to make me remember, or…explain what _we_ had? Why didn’t he give me all of these…stuff?” She could hear Alex sigh at her words, and even with just that she knew she wouldn’t like the answer.

“He thought you didn’t want him,” her sister started explaining. “And he would never force you into doing anything you didn’t want, no matter how… _unique…_ circumstances might be. He loves you so much, Kara.” Kara took a tentative step towards her bed without saying anything, looking at the photos, looking at the documentation of their relationship, of the…the happiest years of her life. And the tears she was trying so hard to keep back started streaming down her face.

She must’ve stayed silent for so long that Alex called for her. “Kara? You there?” Sniffing, she quickly got rid of her tears as determination replaced the pain in her lungs. She lifted her head and whirled around, not a single sliver of doubt in her movements as she reached for her closet.

“I need to see him, Alex,” she said, her voice tear-strained, but still strong. She grabbed the first outfit she could find, which was a blue casual dress with thick straps and a loose skirt. She tucked her phone between her ear and shoulder as she fumbled with her PJs to take them off. “I’m going to go see him. Can you tell me his address— _our_ address?” she corrected herself as an afterthought.

She could almost see the huge grin Alex had on her face as she gave Kara what she needed, right as she put on her dress and rushed out her apartment to go… _home._

* * *

Kara could feel her heart slamming against her ribs as she stood in front of the very familiar door. Well, it was familiar now that she actually remembered Mon-El, remembered her relationship with him, but it didn’t matter. Not as she reached up and pressed on the bell harshly, not as she knocked on the door just to make sure he heard, not as she looked down at the box that she’d placed by her feet, the box that carried everything Alex had given her about their relationship. She was pretty sure she was holding her breath as she waited for Mon-El to answer, yet still, she didn’t have any doubt or hesitation in her mind. She knew what she wanted, she knew where she belonged, and it was…Mon-El. She finally, _finally_ knew that she loved Mon-El and belonged with him.

She was just getting ready to knock again a couple of seconds later when Mon-El didn’t answer, at least until she heard the lock being turned. Her heart rate spiked momentarily as she looked up in anticipation. She knew _technically_ that she shouldn’t have really missed him, considering she didn’t have her memories and feelings back until today, but…but she did. She missed him and how she felt when she was around him. How good it felt to be with him. She knew it hadn’t been _that_ long since she last felt that, and as far as she remembered there had been times she’d been away from him for weeks because of missions, yet… It didn’t change the fact that she missed him. And this time… This time felt different. Because all those times she’d been away in missions, she had the memory of him to hold onto, the memory of him to warm her in the cold moments, the memory of him to keep her strong and alive. But she didn’t have that in the last few days. And only now she realized how cold and bleak it had been. Only then she realized how…how unhappy she was without him.

She couldn’t help thinking how horrible _he_ must’ve felt if she was feeling like this right now, but she pushed those thoughts away immediately and instead focused on what was in front of him. A reunion with Mon-El.

She held onto that thought as the door opened, revealing the man in question. The first, almost instinctual reaction was fire shooting through her veins and her heart thundering in her chest, but after that second, after she truly took a good look at him… Her stomach dropped, and guilt… It started spreading through her body like a cold shower, making her shudder under the weight of it. Because Mon-El…

He looked horrible. And even _that_ felt like an understatement. His skin was so pale that if she hadn’t known what he’d been through, she might’ve thought that he was sick. His hair fell around his forehead in messy strands, but it seemed like he didn’t— _couldn’t—_ even care. There was a light stubble on his cheeks too, probably coming from not bothering to shave for a couple of days at least. She also couldn’t help noticing that his cheeks were collapsed—no, actually, his whole _body_ seemed to be collapsed under some…some weight. His shoulders were slumped, and Kara was almost pretty sure he must’ve lost some weight, because the blue plaid shirt he was wearing sagged off of his shoulders, and if her memories weren’t tricking her, she clearly remembered it fitting him almost too tightly and stretching over his shoulders. Yet even _that_ wasn’t the worst part. It was… It was his _eyes_ that killed her the most. She could clearly remember them being gray-blue, especially when he was happy, shining so bright that it sometimes made her think she was dreaming. But now they looked so dull that she couldn’t even _see_ their blue. It was like… It was like someone had sucked the life out of them.

It was like _she_ sucked the life out of them.

She felt guilt clawing at her throat the moment that thought seeped into her mind. She’d hurt him, and he… Right now, he was standing in front of her as a live proof of that. And when the shock and…and disbelief splashed on his face upon seeing her, when he held onto the door handle as if he’d fall down if he didn’t… There was no way to stop the tears from filling her eyes.

“Kara?” he whispered with a cracked voice, his gaze searching her face as if he was trying to decide whether she was real or not. All she could muster was a small smile at that.

“I remember,” she said, diving into the subject without beating around the bush. That wasn’t what either of them needed right now. Especially Mon-El, from the looks of it. They both… They both needed to be in each other’s arms, and Kara wasn’t about to delay that with a long speech and fancy words. Besides, those weren’t necessary for them to express what they felt for each other.

She couldn’t help laughing when she saw the absolutely shocked expression on Mon-El’s face, with wide eyes and parted lips. She shook her head and spread her arms. “I remember,” she repeated, emphasizing the last word to make sure he understood. She waited for him to say something at that, _anything_ really, but he just kept staring at her, something like…like hope flickering in his eyes. Hope and… _fear?_ Kara could almost feel her heart break at that, because it was obvious what he was thinking from his expression. He wanted to believe her, he really did, but he…he was just scared. He was scared it wasn’t true, maybe even that it was a dream, and he’d wake up only to find he was still alone.

Not wanting him to feel that way, and to show him that she truly remembered, she opened her mouth to explain more, yet she couldn’t even get a word out before Mon-El rushed forward. He winded his arms around Kara’s waist and pulled her close, so close that their chests literally collided into each other, yet she…she didn’t even mind it. A small smile spread on her face, and she moved her arms around Mon-El’s shoulders too, burying her face to the crook of his neck and savoring how it felt to be in his embrace. And only then she realized how wrong she’d been when she thought she didn’t want their relationship. Because right now, as she closed her eyes, as she inhaled his scent and reveled in the tight grip his arms had around her… She realized that this was the place she wanted to be in. This was the place she belonged to. Her home.

She shuddered when she felt Mon-El move his hand from her back to her head, winding it through the strands of her hair. And she didn’t know what hurt her more—that he was shaking all over in her arms or that she could feel wetness on her shoulder, indicating that he was crying. She shut her eyes to keep herself from crying too.

“You remember?” he asked a couple of seconds later, his voice so low and weak that Kara barely heard it, even though he’d spoken right next to her ear. “You really…remember?” A pang of pain hit her in the chest when she heard the hidden meaning behind his words. _I’m not dreaming, right?_

She smiled softly as she pulled back, only enough to look at his face without getting too far away, and cupped his cheeks. She moved her thumbs to wipe away his tears. “I don’t remember everything,” she started…and immediately realized that those weren’t the right choice of words from the way Mon-El’s face literally crumbled in front of her. She quickly rushed to explain herself. “But I remember the important stuff. I remember the…the core of our relationship, I remember you, and I…” One corner of her lips tipped up as she moved her hand over his heart. “And I remember that I loved you. That I… That I love you.” Her heart squeezed at the vulnerable look that appeared on Mon-El’s face at that, a mixture of happiness, gratitude, worry, and…and love. Most of all love. She stroked the ends of his hair with the tips of her finger as she offered him a genuine smile. “I remember it, Mon-El.”

He didn’t say anything to that at first, just searching her face, looking for an indication that said she was lying, but he…he must’ve found nothing, because in a couple of seconds all the fear in his eyes disappeared and he leaned down, capturing her lips in a passionate kiss. There was nothing slow or soft about it, not that she expected it to be. It was rough, it was fast, it was almost demanding, but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t also _loving._ Especially as his tears mingled with the kiss. Yet it didn’t really matter. None of that mattered except that she was in Mon-El’s arms, that he was with her, and they were together. Finally they were together as…as they were meant to be. There’d been a lot of reasons, in the past, as to why their relationship shouldn’t and _couldn’t_ work, but somehow…somehow they _made_ it work. They stayed together through all of the hardships, through ups and downs, through laughs and cries, through…through all of it. If that wasn’t proof of how they belonged to each other, then Kara really didn’t know what it was.

But all those thoughts scattered away when she felt Mon-El biting her lower lip, and she couldn’t help moaning as she leaned in, running her fingers through his hair. It seemed like, from how tightly they were holding onto each other, they wanted to close every single bit of distance between them, so much so that at this point Kara really had no idea where her body ended and Mon-El’s body started. Not that she was complaining. She was… She was very, _very_ happy in her place right now. And she would’ve stayed there too…if she didn’t feel breathless and actually needed to get air into her lungs. So she pulled back, even as Mon-El groaned in complaint, and rested her forehead against his. She might’ve needed a breath of air, but that didn’t mean she wanted to be away from him, at least no more than she absolutely had to. She still found herself chuckling at his reaction as she caressed his cheek lightly.

“Easy there, tiger,” she muttered under her breath, opening her eyes to look at him. His gray-blue eyes—she was happy to find that they were shining again and their blue had returned—were focused on her, deep and dark with desire. Her heart stuttered a bit at that, even as she tried to calm it down. She flashed him a small smile. “We’ll have a lot of time to do that and more later.” Her smile widened at that thought. _Later._ They would have a later, and it was…it was such a good feeling that she couldn’t find the right words to explain it. Instead she searched Mon-El’s face, trying to memorize every single part of it and burn it in her memory. “We’ll have all the time in the world,” she continued, her voice hoarse with unshed tears.

Mon-El’s eyes started glimmering at that as the tears filled his eyes. He tightened his grip around her waist, as if he didn’t want to let go, as if he never wanted to let go again. “Yeah,” he whispered in a tear-strained voice, reaching up with trembling fingers to tuck a strand of Kara’s hair behind her ear. “As long as we’re together, we’ll…we’ll have all the time in the world.” His eyes snapped at hers once, as if a thought had just hit him in the head. “We are… We are together, right? I’m not… I’m not hallucinating or daydreaming? My mother… She always said that psychiatrists eventually went crazy…” Kara couldn’t help it as a laugh burst out of her lips at the joke, yet she could also feel her heart cracking. It was hard seeing him like that, so scared to lose her, so scared to be away from her again. It made her feel special and loved, so, so loved, but she’d rather be with him and make him happy than have him long for her.

She squeezed the nape of his neck at her words, to truly show him that he wasn’t dreaming—and from the way his eyes fluttered close she saw that it was working—before she moved her hand to his cheek. “Yes, we’re together. I’m here. I’m not leaving you again.” Tears filled her eyes at that thought. “I never want to leave you again,” she confessed, her voice low, as she was worried she might just collapse into sobs if she talked louder. Yet it seemed like Mon-El understood her. He offered her a tentative smile through his tears, his thumb brushing over her cheekbone.

“I never want to leave you again either,” he said hoarsely. A smile spread on Kara’s face at the emotion behind his words, and this time it was her that reached up and pressed a kiss on his lips. And this time she let him take it a step forward as he pulled her inside of the house, shutting the door behind them without even breaking the kiss. And if Kara had totally forgotten the box with all of those stuff from her relationship with Mon-El outside, then she’d blame him for distracting her…and a bit herself too for letting herself be distracted all too gladly.

But as she finally remembered it and went to get it, and as they sorted through everything inside… Kara really couldn’t blame either of them for forgetting, especially not when she really didn’t remember the last time she’d laughed this much, with a bubble of happiness in her chest. And she really wouldn’t trade it for anything. She was finally home…and she was planning to stay.


End file.
